Baildon RUFC

It has become customary to amuse Sarah Hoyle and others by inserting Monty Python references into match reports for the Baildon v Harrogate fixture. I had intended to write a homage to “The Four Yorkshiremen” sketch but the alicados singled out to feature were unavailable for the away trip to Harrogate. The grape vine suggests that “the great January beer shortage”, as it will surely go down in club history, was partially responsible. With draught beer unavailable the alicados had been “forced” to sip imported Mexican bottled ales. Thanks to a misunderstanding at least three of our alicados now believe that they are at risk of going down with Coronavirus and have put themselves in isolation. Sad times.

With stalwarts George Morris, Nick Murphy, Gary Strauss, Levi, Andy “The Beast” Greaves, Tracey and linesman Chris Williams on my touchline, the visiting team were well supported but almost outnumbered by injured Python players. Credit to the injured snakes: they were supporting their team, helping by putting out flags and videoing the game. Great to see.

Pythons have a monster pack of forwards, the sort of pack that would look comfortable playing at higher levels. In our last few meetings the Python pack have had the ascendency at scrum time. The Baildon pack, by contrast are widely held to be “rubbish”.  So when the home side kicked the ball directly into touch for a scrum back, I did wonder if there was an exceedingly cunning plan afoot.

No matter, the ball was moved cleanly away and Luke Strauss set off on a penetrating run. Joe “Peddle Bin” Robinson made yards.

When the snakes conceded penalties Baildon might have profited in their early attacks had their line out not lived up to the “rubbish” billing and failed to secure their first three throws in attacking positions.

The home side, in contrast to Baildon’s sluggishness, looked sharp. On their first visit to the Baildon 22 the reptiles secured points through the boot when Baildon were penalised for hands in the ruck. (3-0)

The home side extended their lead when Jake Duxbury was down receiving treatment. Duxbury had been tackled after he got his kick away leaving Baildon a man short. The snakes profited and slithered over for a converted try. (10-0)

Harrison Strauss had an opportunity to bag a pie of his own following a Tom Parnell break and direct running from Dan “Recycling King” Cookson. Tackled just short, where the situation called for calm recycling, a speculative offload didn’t go to hand. Wasteful!

The completely rubbish Baildon pack made amends by taking a scrummage against the head. Strong runs from James “Bin Lorry” Fox, Chinny “Scrapyard Challenge” Tomlinson, and Dan “Put it in the Compost” Cookson featured. Baildon earned a penalty shot at goal but a gust of wind took the ball wide.

In another wasteful display Baildon kicked away their next promising possession.

Having squandered possession, territory and opportunity in the first thirty minutes something happened and Baildon woke up.

Jake Duxbury switched play and passed the ball to Luke Strauss on the left wing. With plenty to do Strauss beat two defenders, rounding the first and stepping inside the second, to run 30 metres for the line. Converted Duxbury. (10-7)   

With the half closing Tom Parnell combined with Jake Duxbury to take the ball deep into serpent territory. A penalty was awarded when the reptiles killed the ball inches short of the try line, trying to prevent quick play. The penalty was tapped, Chinny “Trashmatic” Tomlinson dived for the line and injuring his knee in the process was held agonisingly short. Danny Pollard was on hand to finish the move and cross the line. (10-12 HT)

Baildon started the second half at a great tempo. James O’Ryan, Luke Strauss, Tom Parnell and Josh “Bin-Bag” Strauss tormented and teased. Sensibly and with good regard for player welfare, play was stopped for a potential head injury to a Python.  Baildon’s momentum was not interrupted as they won a penalty at the resumption of play. Jake Duxbury took the points. (10-15)

Oli “Garbage Talk” Murphy got over the ball and won a penalty. The shot was on when snakes hissed at the whistler and were marched back ten metres, but the kick was wayward.

Oli “Dustpan and Brush” Murphy was again in action, this time as he made a 30 metre break through heavy traffic that had his father Nick glowing with pride and referencing chips off old blocks.

Baildon might have scored but for brilliant Python defensive work over the ball to win a relieving penalty.

More Baildon pressure yielded points through another Jake Duxbury penalty. (10-18)

A run of penalties against the snakes, some in the red zone, led to a stern talking to.

Luke Strauss had a brilliant counter attack run from deep. The rubbish Baildon pack took another scrummage against the head and feed.

A Tom Parnell break deserved more when James “Sweep it Under the Carpet” Fox, Matty ”Litter-Legs” Dixon, Dan “Rubbish-Tip” Cookson and Joe Junk-Trunk Robinson were amongst the rubbish Baildon forwards who drove relentlessly and recycled the ball through the phases in a wonderful display of “keep-ball” rugby.

An injury to Danny Pollard (also knee) made this a costly encounter with two players looking at a lay off.

Another Jake Duxbury penalty made the game safe as full time approached. (10-21)

Spirited Python attack in injury time forced a succession of penalties including a deliberate knock on. My man of the match Tom Parnell was the player shown yellow but 14 man Baildon held on. (10-21 FT)

Thanks to our match officials, hosts, players, coaches and both sets of supporters.

Congratulations to our 2ndXV who defended the fortress with a 54-5 victory at Jenny Lane over Halifax.

Our forwards are obviously rubbish, garbage, the dregs of Yorkshire Three rugby…… but you shouldn’t believe everything you read, especially if I have written it.