Sat 4 Jan 2020, 14:15
Baildon’s New Year’s Resolution Yields Bonus Point Win
Baildon travelled to Cas Vegas promising to be more composed, ruthless, playing with a better attitude and with more passion.
It did not bode well with Dan Cookson turning an ankle then Paul MacNamara pulling a testicle (left) in the warm up. In addition Adam “Sick Note” Hewitt was nursing a numb thigh from a freak lumberjack related incident; sources tell me that in the festive period Hewitt attempted to tackle a Christmas tree not realising that the tree was supported by a dense concrete base. (I apologise for journalistic clichés, for this is not the first time that a sentence about a prop forward has contained the words “numb” and “dense”).
Despite the portents, Baildon started brightly, playing in the right parts of the field. Good pressure on a Cas kick meant the kick was sliced. Jake Duxbury collected and returned the kick with interest. When a catch was spilled by a Cas defender, George Morris recovered and recycled the ball. Ball distribution was good through Ollie Shafshaft and Jonty Glendinning. Dan “Polly” Pollard and Luke “Hamstring” Strauss on either wing had runs early on. Adam Hewitt, Phil Wilson and George Morris all made yards in the narrow channels and kept the Cas defence on the back foot.
When Baildon out ran their support, they conceded a penalty for holding on and Cas ought to have relieved the pressure. However the line out from the penalty kick was stolen by Ollie Murphy and Baildon had another chance to attack the Cas try line. Danny “The Macaw” Pollard goose stepped but was denied.
According to reliable social media reports, Pollard (pictured - on right) spent a gap year in the Amazon jungle, single handedly bringing an endangered species of parrot back from the brink of extinction. Details of Pollard’s heroics are murky due to an ongoing enquiry into the exploitation of lorikeets by the RSPCA. (This itself was a terrible misunderstanding based on Pollard being overheard muttering that he “loved a Cockatoo” completely out of context.) Your intrepid reporter can now reveal that Pollard played crucial roles in a parrot assisted breeding programme, collecting semen from the male of the species and depositing it in the feathery squish mitten of the female of the species. Sterling and intricate work Danny.
From Danny "Parrot Inseminator" Pollard’s run the ball was recycled and a high tackle on Adam “The Lumberjack” Hewitt drew a penalty within easy range on the posts. Such was Baildon’s confidence that the points were turned down and the kick aimed to the corner. A George Morris catch launched a drive to the line, Dan Cookson was held up short of the line and the scrum awarded to Cas. Good pressure on the kicker again gave Cas a poor exit and this time it was Luke Strauss with a chance to counter. It looked like Strauss had taken the wrong option as he ran away from support players and into traffic, but with the defence moving right the play was quickly switched back left with Ollie Shakeshaft doing the damage before releasing Jonty Glendinning to score in the left corner. (0-5)
The Baildon resolution to be “ruthless” was momentarily forgotten as the visitors completely switched off. The Cas number 8 brushed aside tackles that went too high and released the left winger to score in the corner. The conversion was superb, glancing in off the post. (7-5)
Harrison “Bird Fancier” Strauss made a break. In a surprising revelation Strauss admitted that, like his team mate “Feathered Sausage Wallet” Pollard, he too has a thing for birds as long as “they are not too needy”. Harrison’s birds, we are told, have to make do with a packet of trill and a cuttlefish bone.
Baildon pressure yielded dividends as Cas infringed. This time the points were taken with a Jake Duxbury penalty. (7-8)
Cas indiscipline worsened and at their next penalty chat back to the referee saw them marched back ten metres.
Cas resorted to kicking what possession they had deep into Baildon territory, but their big forwards were not up for the chase. Luke Strauss collected a ball and set off on a 50 metre run through a ragged field with no discernible defensive line. Just as Baildon supporters began to fear that Strauss’s hamstring would surely go, who should pop up in support but the curly locks of Matty “Kinky Legs” Dixon. Dixon whose recent attempt to run away to join the circus with his novelty act: “The Amazing Contortions of Mr Dixon’s Unfeasibly Bendy Legs” had been thwarted, took the ball on and crossed for Baildon’s second try, converted Duxbury. (7-15)
James O’Ryan made a break at the restart with some mazy running of his own. Adam Hewitt took the ball on but was felled like a flowering cherry at the hands of a Castleford chainsaw. Quick hands should have put Danny “Sticky Parrot Fingers” Pollard in but the ball was dropped as Pollard was distracted by a late hit on his team make Jake Duxbury. The late hit earned Cas not one, but two yellow card reducing the home side to a rugby league team.
Open spaces began to appear. In a display of ruthlessness not seen since Winne the Pooh shared his honey with Piglet, Baildon butchered a three man overlap. Short handed and outnumbered, the Cas winger had no choice but to come in and go for the ball. A soft lobbed pass was a gift wrapped interception try against the run of play. (14-15)
Baildon’s lack of concentration had Danny “Love Bird Lips” Pollard “spitting feathers”. (Not what you think)
An Ollie Shakeshaft break and Jake “Baby Faced Assassin” Ruff drive saw Baildon extend their lead as Danny “Pecker Pounder” Pollard put Matty Robinson over. (14-20 HT)
Baildon won consecutive penalties at the start of the second half as Cas’ tiring forwards struggled to keep on their feet at the breakdown.
Jonty Glendinning looked like he was in but had been tackled just short. James O’Ryan looked up to see all the defenders sucked in and spaces out wide with Baildon players lurking on the wing. A clever kick into the space was collected out wide by Ollie Shakeshaft who off-loaded to Danny “Feathery Muffin” Pollard for the bonus point try. (14-25)
Cas began to play some better rugby and only a Luke Strauss tackle denied them as their attack found new bite. A few phases later a kick through might have scored but the referee was unsighted. There were no complaints when Cas were awarded the try from the attacking 5m scrum. (21-25)
Having got within a score Cas imploded. Leaking penalties, their third yellow card for a no arm tackle that went high had been coming. Baildon’s penalty shot at goal drifted wide. Marched back for dissent at the next penalty, Cas found themselves playing deep in their own half.
A Dan Cookson charge failed to cross and Matty Robinson was pushed into touch just short.
Baildon took points at the next penalty to make it a seven point game. (21-28)
A high tackle earned a fourth Cas yellow card and to rub salt in, Jake Duxbury kicked the penalty from inside the Baildon half. (21-31)
The mounting penalty count now fed Cas frustration as they took the phrase “to lose the referee” to new levels. Appealing for decisions, dissent and talk back led to an outbreak of handbags. To save time the referee brandished yellow cards in pairs – Cas’s fifth and sixth yellow cards of the match. Further mutterings saw the home team marched a generous ten metres back, making Jake Duxbury’s kick a gimme. (21-34)
As the penalty kick sailed between the posts, the whistler wisely called a close to the match.
(21-34FT)
Man of the match could have been any of the backs, but for my money goes to Matty Dixon for a complete performance at hooker.
Thanks Cas for a warm welcome. Thanks also to our referee, linesmen, supporters and volunteers. Credit also to those who tore Danny "Budgie Muncher" Pollard out of the changing rooms after the match. Apparently he was stuck in front of the mirror repeating the mantra "pretty Polly, pretty Polly, who's a pretty boy then?"
